i dont care. i dont where im going or what im doing, i dont care who im with or what people think. i dont know why i think posting my feelings on the internets gonna solve anything, but i feel like it, so im gonna do it. i wanna be thin, i wanna be rich, i wanna be pretty. ive fucking had enough of people! i hate this island, i know everyone and everything that goes on, its so FUCKING BORING. i want to go somewhere new, meet new goddamned people, try new goddamned things. be someone else. does anyone get this feeling? or is it just me, the freakish exception. ARGGGH.
I wish I could cross my arms and cross your mind Cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve All my life I wish I broke mirrors instead of promises Cause all I see is a shattered conscience staring right back at me I wish I had covered all my tracks completely.
this is a small rant about the world, and how im pissed off with it.. enjoy. the world is seriously messed up. considering the current recession and economic climate, we're not doing well. also, global warming is a serious concern, cancer is on the rise as well as so many other diseases and disorders that just weren't heard of 100 years ago. whats gone so wrong?! we're all so into this modern-day technology we've forgotten how to go out and have a good time without the use of alcohol or drugs, we've forgotten how to properly communicate with people face to face. i honestly love facebook, but we focus too much on our facebook friendships and not enough on our real friends. im honestly fed up of life, i wish i lived in a different age. maybe the forties? or the twenties? i dont know. every era seems so distinctive, like the 1920's are known for flapper girls, the 1940's for the tiny waists and scarfs.. im sure they're known for lots of other things, but when we look back on the noughties in fifty years, what will we see? we'll see traces of the recession, and other hideous things. the rise in popularity of social networking sites. we won't, however, be seeing distinct fashion.. which is what makes me sad. in each era they've invented and developed something new and unheard of in the fashion world. admittedly, jeggings have been invented lately.. but they're hardly classics that will still be worn and loved in years to come, are they? this makes me sad because the noughties just seem like useless, wasted years. in my eyes, we haven't achieved a great deal. we've developed such hatred for people different to ourselves, and we've invented a whole new brand of people, the next generation who just booze and drink and frequently appear on 'jeremy kyle' with problems. on another note, far far too many people rely on alcohol and/or drugs for a good time. i mean, i'll drink to be social and i'll drink because i like the taste of what i'm drinking but some people set out to get drunk, and they're actually disappointed if they don't. my friend once didn't eat all day just so she'd be drinking on an empty stomach and would get drunk easier. i know alcohol consumes alot of calories so sometimes i'd cut down on what i eat that day so i didn't eat too much and put weight on, but seriously; doing something like that just so you can get drunk isn't cool.
also, relationships make me sad in this era. everything is so open and forward, and i think thats good sometimes, but a part of me yearns for traditional dating patterns, like a boy spies a girl he likes, so he asks her on a date. she acts all coy and says yes. they go on a date. they enjoy it. they go on a second date, maybe a third. they kiss. they take things real slow, and get to know each other simply because they like each other, and theres no pressure at all, and they only see each other. now, a girl might have two or three guys she's considering going out with. relationships SUCK nowadays. i know a girl who's 14 yet has had sex, anal, been licked out, fingered, who's tossed a guy off, and given two head AND got with more people than i have in my phonebook. its unreal! i got so angry with her, partly because the guy shes done all this with doesnt like her and its plain that he's using her yet she really likes him, partly because i think shes wasting her life! its so stupid to do all this too young, and im happy to say that i've only kissed a guy because i do not think that at 15, i should be doing what this girl is doing with guys shes not even dating. i was actually outraged when i heard this, because i knew the girl had kissed a fair number of people but seriously. i may sound really prudey and stuck-up, but honestly. im not afraid to go further with guys, but im uncomfortable with my body.. so it's going to take a while for me to find a guy that i'd be secure around. i want a guy who'll just completely sweep me off my feet and take me by surprise; who'll blow my mind and make me feel alive. i want a guy that's strong, masculine, sexy. i want to be made to feel loved and wanted, i want to be made to feel womanly and cute. i do not see this happening where i live. there are literally no people that i havent met or heard of, so my chances of meeting an amazing boy are quite low.
im extremely excited for a potential trip to liverpool with my really good friend in october. shes just come on holiday with me to alderney, where my mum's from, so we're planning to go to liverpool, where her family are from, in october. im excited because how she described it just makes it sound like paradise. there are cute indie boys wherever you turn, gigs to go to, millions of shops, and it just sounds so amazing, like a true escape from where i live. guernseys so depressing, i know all the people here.. its just getting so claustro, and im sick of it. some days i really like it because i know it so well and i dont have to worry about getting lost or anything, but other days i hate it for those very reasons. i hate not being able to escape and be someone else. i literally cannot make one trip to town without seeing at least 5 people i know. also, im really angry at the way this trip to alderney has turned out. i came over on friday 31st july, and hannah came over on sunday. everything was going really well until we started arguing with my 13 year old cousin and her friend, who frankly act about 11. they caused so much trouble for me and hannah, basically lying to my mum, her mum and our aunt to get us in trouble, and causing a huge argument between me and my mum. i hadnt felt that sad since my friend died, i just felt a huge huge sense of dismay and discomfort. i got so upset i was trying to book a flight back to guernsey, which didnt work of course. i wont go into details because honestly, its so long, but this whole thing resulted in hannah getting really really upset and actually leaving the next day, two days early. i was so angry that my inconsiderate cousin and her bitchy friend had ruined both our holidays, just like that. they were here for two weeks, could they not have waited two days for hannah to be gone without causing so much trouble? they didnt even care that they damaged my relationships with my mum & my aunt. i still havent really forgiven my cousins mum, she's a completely unfair hoe. she always sides with my cousin and leaves me out. like, our aunt would buy us both a soft toy, or my mum would buy us both a doughnut, but my cousins mum would just buy my cousin stuff and not think of me at all. i dont think i can think of one time where she's bought us both stuff, rather than just my cousin. shes really unfair, and completely believes whatever my cousin says, and my mum is completely not like that with me at all. if me and my cousin got into an argument, my mum would listen to both sides of it and try and figure out what had honestly gone on and solve the problem. my cousins mum would silently favour my cousin, listen to only her point of view and twist it so that i was somehow in the wrong, and completely unfair and i would end up having to say sorry. i honestly dont like my cousin at the best of times, somehow spending every summer of my life with her resulted in us not being amazing friends. shes just so annoying, like if we argue we'll both storm off and leave each other alone for a while, then when we're forced to be together, in front of all the adults she'll turn to me and in a really childish, innocent tone she'll go "can we be friends?" its like, we were never NOT friends, we argued you ass! she deliberately says things in front of the grownups, like "philippa, can i borrow this?" or "can i read your magazine?" when she knows im ocd about my magazines, weird as that sounds. i like collecting them, and rereading them, and i get super pissy when people read them and crumple them. so of course i had to lend her my magazine, and literally fifteen minutes later the cover was ripped off and the pages were all smudged up. i seriously give up on my family and in just two days i can leave alderney and return to guernsey -sigh of relief- that's it for now, comment? :) -xo-
its so sad that im writing this, cause i know nobody reads it.. it's a way of me being able to silently obsess, hahaa. i feel sick right now, as a result of too many minstrels AS PER USUAL. im actually obsesseeeed with all time low right now hahaa, no idea why. i was probably drawn to them as an escape from my family in englandd |: it was the biggest fail ever, i got told i'd have a whole day shopping.. which was a lie and a half cause i got about an hour in primark, which was still super amazinggggg.. but yanooo. i got lotssss from primark hahaa, i got a white union jack bag, some leopard print pumps, some glittery pumps, a navy high waisted skirt, and lots and lots of pants. it feeels like i got more, but i guess i didnt haha. i was only away for four days, but i missed my friends and my room. i am quite sick of guern's obsession with getting drunk.. i admit i like drinking but to be like "ah, it was a good night. i didnt get wasted though (N)" or "i really need to get drunk" i hate that. it just puts me right off someone, and you can tell they aren't very excitingg if they have a need to get drunk. its like.. do you not have anything else you can do for fun? anyway, i need to get up & get showeredd as im meeting a very cute boy in town. im so sad hahaa, but he's amazing! adios for now :)